My Favourite Color is You

March 15, 2003 just one week before this punk rock girl turned 18, because rebels you know, she walked down the aisle to marry the love of her life, while a Sigor Ros song, that lasted just long enough to make everyone squirm, because, rebels you know, played. Afterwards on the way to the reception, this giddy new bride looked deeply into the brown eyes of her groom and he said “you know this may not work right?” She held his hand, staring back with her naive, hopelessly hopeful blue eyes and said softly “I know”. Obviously, he was right... It worked for about 4 years, none of which really worked.  But, I think back on none of my life with any regret or sorrow. Only fondness for the experiences and wisdom I gained from pain and from joy. For the love I felt and I gave. I would not be who I am today, if it were not for every decision I have made in my life. And I’m not even close to being done learning, growing and loving. Because I’ll only stop when I take my last breath.

The Darkness I met you for the first time when I was just 12. You came to my window and whispered "I have something to show you, do you want to see? Won't you let me in?".  I opened the window and you filled my room.  Darkness.  You floated around me.  "I can hold you, aren't you lonely, aren't you tired? You can rest with me. I am the only one who understands you." you said.  So I let you in.  You held me in your embrace.  You were cold, but so was I.  You were empty, but so was I.  I was alone and broken, but now I had you...  You consumed me.  I could feel you in my veins.  The only one who understood me.  I wasn't alone anymore, but somehow, I was more alone than ever before.  Cold.  Darkness.  Every morning I woke up, you would whisper "Why are you here? No one cares about you, no one understands you... only I do".  You comforted me, as the hole in my heart grew bigger.  "What is this thing ...

This one is for you This story is before, and after, it all happened I will tell you about before, later. And after, will be soon.  But for now... I will never forget, falling in love with you.  My first love, this one is for you. We were just kids, dancing in the rain, at a punk rock show.  It was you, it was always you. I had just overcome the darkness.  I was full of joy and light.  I danced in the puddles, in the pouring rain.  My soul was on fire, I was... happy.  And then there you were.  Your deep brown eyes and your enchanting smile.  One look, one smile, one laugh.  A soul like no other I had seen.  You had me, you always had me. We flew to the moon, we skipped on the clouds and we watched the stars as they flew by.  It was you, it was always you.  Our souls danced and they sang, a melody never heard before, and never heard again.  It was always you. And then you left just as quickly as you c...

Why I stayed. I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because he said he loved me. I stayed because we had kids. I stayed because this was my 3rd marriage. I stayed because it would be embarrassing to leave. I stayed because I thought I would be judged. I stayed because nothing I read said it was ok to leave. I stayed because they said to give it time. I stayed because maybe it really wasn't that bad. I stayed because I felt guilty. I stayed because I didn't want my kids in a broken home. I stayed because I cut myself off from family and friends. I stayed because I had no way to support myself and my kids. I stayed because I didn't know what I would do. I stayed because I was scared. I stayed because I thought I could handle it. I stayed because I thought it would get better. I stayed because I thought I could change myself for him. I shouldn't have stayed. Don't stay. Don't encourage people to stay. Get out. Pay attention to the red flags. D...

I used to love to write What happened to my spirit? What happened to my fight? Slowly but surely It went away Hiding further and further Each passing day The struggles of life Too much to bear You had promised To always be there But every new challenge Brought in a new fight And the dream of what we would be Was drifting out of sight I tried so hard to answer Each and every plea But I couldn't make you happy And you blamed it all on me If only I could do better If only I could make it right Maybe you would be happy Maybe every day wouldn't end in a fight Your words cut deep Into my soul Your short temper Left my heart with a gaping hole I gave you all that I had But you still cried for more I gave you every last drop Until there was nothing left to pour You pushed me to my limits My spirit you did break I tried to stand strong But oh how my soul did ache With one final blow, you finished me off I was nothing more than a cheap whore ...