The Holy Predator
I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about you
Because, I have never talked about you.
I have kept you a secret, I'm not sure if I was protecting you... or me.
I was 14. You were 23. You knew better, but I didn't even know, at first. My young heart had just been broken for the first time and you were there to pick up the pieces. You held me as I cried, you said you would be there for me. You told me it was for the best, you said he was never coming back... At first I didn't believe you. But you never left my side. You never let me down. You called me, you checked on me, you bought me things. You asked me out. You made me feel so special. I was only 14, then 15. But you liked me. You were grown and you said I wasn't like the other young girls, I was mature. You wouldn't ever leave me. You'd wait for me, not like him. You were nothing like him. You wanted to marry me. Me.
When he stopped writing me, I gave in, and you swept me away. You made me feel older, I couldn't believe a man like you actually liked me. All the adults out there and you chose me. Me. 15. Me. I must be special... It was exciting. Hiding everything. Sneaking around. And it was so easy. Because you were a youth leader at our church. So no one batted an eye when you drove 30+ minutes to pick me up first, and drop me off last, for youth group or any event, all alone. You picked me up early, because we always took the back roads, and you dropped me off last, because I was farthest away, after all. That gave us all the time we could want, alone together. Then I started hanging out with you and your older friends. We went to concerts and movies and restaurants and all kinds of things. They didn't know, they didn't have a clue... At least that's what I told myself. But they did, they knew. They all knew. And no one said anything... You were untouchable. We'd sit in the back seat together and pretend they didn't know... That they couldn't see or hear, anything. We held hands under the table. We exchanged glances. We met outside alone for a brief moment to touch...
But you were so careful about what we did. You never let it go too far. You were careful, you were teaching me. I had never been with a man. You said we had to wait for certain things, but other things we could do... You were so careful. And I was obsessed, I was thrilled, I would do whatever you told me to do.
Day and night, we talked whenever we could and we saw each other every chance we had...
Then one day, at church, he came back... My first love came back and I dropped you like nothing. I felt bad, I felt guilty... But that's what I did. He was my love and my age... I was 16 then. I told him about us. And though I still didn't fully grasp it, I started to realize what you had done to me, I started to see how wrong it was... And I told my parents. You begged me not to. You drove as fast as you could to their house, so you could be there too when I told them. But they immediately called the police. They knew how serious this was.
I was called in to talk about you.
Two male officers sat me down. 16 year old me. With two adult men. They began to ask me questions, smirking and grinning. Asking me about our sexual experiences. "Describe to me what happened" "What did he say" "What did he do" "Did he force you?" "What did you do?" "Tell us what happened next" I was scared. I was horrified. I was shamed. I wanted to die. I'd do anything to get out of there. Two strange men, interrogating me about my experiences with an adult man... I just couldn't. At the end, they asked me "So, what do you think should be done about this?" I was exhausted and embarrassed. I said "I don't know, maybe he should get some counseling?". They smirked again. "Thank you for your time" they said... I don't know what happened after that... But, counseling I'm sure was the worst if anything happened at all. Only a couple friends of mine found out, I remember one specifically, she said "Oh my, how could you do that? How could you do that to him?" You were untouchable. And it was all my fault...
You were a predator. You are a predator. It never really hit me, until I turned 23 and I looked at a 16 year old... And I realized how insanely wrong that was. I forgave you long ago, I only hope no one else was hurt by you. And I hope sharing this, can save a young girl some day. He doesn't love you. You are not more mature than other girls, and you are not the only girl he says that to. Predators come in disguises, often "Holy" ones. They are often untouchable. But it doesn't have to break you. And it was NOT your fault.
Because, I have never talked about you.
I have kept you a secret, I'm not sure if I was protecting you... or me.
I was 14. You were 23. You knew better, but I didn't even know, at first. My young heart had just been broken for the first time and you were there to pick up the pieces. You held me as I cried, you said you would be there for me. You told me it was for the best, you said he was never coming back... At first I didn't believe you. But you never left my side. You never let me down. You called me, you checked on me, you bought me things. You asked me out. You made me feel so special. I was only 14, then 15. But you liked me. You were grown and you said I wasn't like the other young girls, I was mature. You wouldn't ever leave me. You'd wait for me, not like him. You were nothing like him. You wanted to marry me. Me.
When he stopped writing me, I gave in, and you swept me away. You made me feel older, I couldn't believe a man like you actually liked me. All the adults out there and you chose me. Me. 15. Me. I must be special... It was exciting. Hiding everything. Sneaking around. And it was so easy. Because you were a youth leader at our church. So no one batted an eye when you drove 30+ minutes to pick me up first, and drop me off last, for youth group or any event, all alone. You picked me up early, because we always took the back roads, and you dropped me off last, because I was farthest away, after all. That gave us all the time we could want, alone together. Then I started hanging out with you and your older friends. We went to concerts and movies and restaurants and all kinds of things. They didn't know, they didn't have a clue... At least that's what I told myself. But they did, they knew. They all knew. And no one said anything... You were untouchable. We'd sit in the back seat together and pretend they didn't know... That they couldn't see or hear, anything. We held hands under the table. We exchanged glances. We met outside alone for a brief moment to touch...
But you were so careful about what we did. You never let it go too far. You were careful, you were teaching me. I had never been with a man. You said we had to wait for certain things, but other things we could do... You were so careful. And I was obsessed, I was thrilled, I would do whatever you told me to do.
Day and night, we talked whenever we could and we saw each other every chance we had...
Then one day, at church, he came back... My first love came back and I dropped you like nothing. I felt bad, I felt guilty... But that's what I did. He was my love and my age... I was 16 then. I told him about us. And though I still didn't fully grasp it, I started to realize what you had done to me, I started to see how wrong it was... And I told my parents. You begged me not to. You drove as fast as you could to their house, so you could be there too when I told them. But they immediately called the police. They knew how serious this was.
I was called in to talk about you.
Two male officers sat me down. 16 year old me. With two adult men. They began to ask me questions, smirking and grinning. Asking me about our sexual experiences. "Describe to me what happened" "What did he say" "What did he do" "Did he force you?" "What did you do?" "Tell us what happened next" I was scared. I was horrified. I was shamed. I wanted to die. I'd do anything to get out of there. Two strange men, interrogating me about my experiences with an adult man... I just couldn't. At the end, they asked me "So, what do you think should be done about this?" I was exhausted and embarrassed. I said "I don't know, maybe he should get some counseling?". They smirked again. "Thank you for your time" they said... I don't know what happened after that... But, counseling I'm sure was the worst if anything happened at all. Only a couple friends of mine found out, I remember one specifically, she said "Oh my, how could you do that? How could you do that to him?" You were untouchable. And it was all my fault...
You were a predator. You are a predator. It never really hit me, until I turned 23 and I looked at a 16 year old... And I realized how insanely wrong that was. I forgave you long ago, I only hope no one else was hurt by you. And I hope sharing this, can save a young girl some day. He doesn't love you. You are not more mature than other girls, and you are not the only girl he says that to. Predators come in disguises, often "Holy" ones. They are often untouchable. But it doesn't have to break you. And it was NOT your fault.
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